


still know your heart and still know both your eyes

by tryalittlejoytomorrow



Category: Shades of Magic - V. E. Schwab
Genre: Character Study, Comfort, Light Angst, post-ACOL
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-12 00:20:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19217794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tryalittlejoytomorrow/pseuds/tryalittlejoytomorrow
Summary: Magic did not make people; people chose who they wanted to be.Lila had wanted to be something else.Rhy had wanted to be something more.And he? He just wanted to be.__Kell tries to figure out his next steps as someone new. Lila helps.Post-A Conjuring of Light.





	still know your heart and still know both your eyes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alienor_woods](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alienor_woods/gifts).



> so apparently I started this two years ago and I don't remember where it was supposed to go (if I ever had a plan, lol), or what it was supposed to be, but for some reason I picked it up today and this is what happened.
> 
> title from Dermot Kennedy's 'Lost'.
> 
> a gift for my dearest alienor_woods, who'll get to read it - and hopefully, enjoy it! - once she's finished the series!

"Do you miss it?"

The question came so soft, softer than anything Lila had ever said, or done, or _been_ , it almost startled Kell. The moon was casting its pale shadow across the cabin and against the ship the waves were gentle, the ebbing tide slowly rocking the _Night Spire_ a siren song that had been lulling him to sleep in the afterglow, but in a fraction of an instant Lila's low voice pulled him back in. Her fingers were playing at his chest - no, _dancing_ , Lila's fingers so slender and deft at sleight and so many other things, magic and wonder and killing, fire and fight and healing. There was a balance to her every movement, no matter how shaky the ground, or waters. She flattened her hand above his heart, the gesture intimate, precious, and Kell almost let himself doze off again.

But then he shook his head, to focus on her question, to answer it. He didn't need more words to understand her meaning; he had expected the questions to come after he'd shared with her the full extent of the toll their fight against Osaron had taken on _him_ , on his _powers_ \- he'd never had to think of the two as _different_ until a few weeks before, and it was strange, but then again, what wasn't now? "No," he said simply, and he _meant_ it, even if it deserved more of an explanation. "Not in the way I thought I would," he added.

"Mmh," Lila murmured, non-committal in a way that said she was there if he wanted to talk about it, but that she wouldn't force him to. She never did. Lila, who was a thief, who thought all she was came down to everything she'd stolen, _wasn't_ a taker; for someone who had gone through life refusing to care about anything or anyone, she was a _giver_ , absolution and freedom in the gentle offer that hung in the air, if not in words.

Kell stared at the top of her head, dark hair mussed from his fingers, waves curling at her shoulders just a shade lighter from weeks at sea, just a little longer than she usually wore it but _perfect_. He twined his hand in it, and Lila moaned low in her throat as he started scratching at her scalp, the nape of her neck, his fingers tracing down to the dip of her collarbone, to curl around her shoulder and stroke down her bare arm. There was a rhythm, a well-honed routine in the gesture, something he never thought he'd have with someone like Lila.

With _Lila_. As if there were anyone _else_ like her.

Kell cleared his throat, and Lila only furrowed her face deeper into his side, and for that, Kell was grateful. "Magic was never _new_ to me," he started, his voice just as soft as hers had been, it sounded like a confession. A midnight tale for children. "For as long as I can remember magic has always been a part of me, of my life. There was what I could do, what Tieren taught me, what my king and queen wanted from me. Magic was everywhere, and it was always _there_."

That was the tricky part, Kell thought; to make her understand what it felt like, that overwhelming presence, how it was a duty and a burden as much as it was strength and power. For Lila it was a thrill, a new weapon to her arsenal of knives and skills. Her magic was as sharp around the edges as she was - unbent and untamed and unbound, sheer force and unadulterated fire. She thrived on it, and Kell was happy for her, he truly was. Perhaps Lila had found the way to be the mistress of her own magic, and not its slave like Holland had been, like he, himself, had, too, in many ways, long before he'd even started realizing it.

"In Grey London people only blamed magic for not fixing all their problems. Nobody really wanted to believe in it, though, you know?" Lila said. She shifted then, propping herself on her elbow to look up at him. "Red London is the opposite. Magic is natural, simple. _Too_ simple."

Her words echoed his own thoughts; that magic _made_ things too simple. Tieren made potions and teas for a dreamless sleep, to soothe bad memories, to _heal_ , as if healing was something simple and seamless like stitching back slashed skin, and pretending it was never torn apart. Kell had bled himself countless times for his brother, his kingdom, and he'd never thought about it twice. Magic was in his blood and his blood was magic, and there had never seemed a cost too great, a reason not good enough, to keep him from using it.

Magic had been the answer to everything, and perhaps it was fitting, now, that Kell had to learn how to be himself _without_ it. Magic gave and took, balance and chaos, freedom and sacrifice, just like life did - and he was ready to live, to see it all.

"It _feels_ amazing," Lila continued cautiously, her mismatched eyes cast down her dark lashes. "And it came to me when I needed it. But I think - I think I know what you mean." She bit on her lip, gnawed at it with her teeth. "But I don't think I'd take it all too well if it were gone all of a sudden."

"I don't," Kell replied hotly, and Lila looked up at his words, surprise gleaming in her eye, and something else. Something like _concern_. "Saints, Lila," he sighed brokenly, looking away, unable to bear her gaze. "There's not a day that goes by where I don't worry about everything that could go wrong. What if the bond between Rhy and I weakens, same as my power has? What if you get hurt and I can't heal you? What if..."

He let the question linger. Silence stretched between them, but Kell knew that Lila knew what he meant. Worrying and caring happened when you loved people, pain and joy and fear intertwined, magic or not. And it wasn't the lack of magic that made him powerless, but the _fear_ \- that, he would have to learn to live with, too. It was scary, and challenging, and perhaps in a way that was the thing that did make him miss magic, but Lila had never needed magic to become who she was, and neither had Rhy. Rhy had been terrified of being worthless because he did not possess magic, but he had always been loved by his people, and he was going to be a great king, Kell knew. Magic did not _make_ people; people chose who they wanted to be.

Lila had wanted to be something else.

Rhy had wanted to be something more.

And he? He just wanted to _be_.

And he wanted to live and see the world with the woman lying in his arms, and he didn't need to be a prince, or to be blessed - he only needed to be _hers_.

Slowly, he dipped his head to hers, and she met him halfway instantly, soft, warm, here. There was no worrying about what he'd lost, or what could have been; not with Lila being such a fierce, driving force in his orbit, or he in hers. There was this pull between them, something that always drove him back to her, and there was only moving _forward_.

Lila's lips parted under his in a sigh. Kell let his hands wander down her body, one brushing along the slope of her breast, down her side, the soft skin of her belly, crawling up her thigh, while the other threaded in her dark hair. He tugged just a little, tipping her face back just enough so he could trail kisses down her neck, and Lila _groaned_.

" _Kell_ ," she said his name like a warning as his mouth neared her breast but lingered in chaste territory, kissing down her sternum, lips feather-light at the hollow of her throat. Her own fingers flew up to his hair, a little rough and impatient. He loved how pushy she was, taking what she wanted, guiding his head until his lips and tongue circled her nipple, sucking with just enough teeth to make her hips buck up against him; and how pliant she could be, giving into him, her body melting around him as she let him roll her to her back.

Kell felt drunk on the scent of her as if he'd inhaled her, as if Lila flowed in his bloodstream like magic once had. His lips found hers again and she nipped sharply at his bottom lip, her short nails digging in the skin of his shoulders as she pressed him to her. Kell felt his own skin flush, and Lila laughed into the kiss. Her hand wrapped around him and she teased him to full hardness, wicked, merciless.

_Saints_ , he loved her.

Lila dragged her mouth to his temple, his ear, as she murmured sweet encouragements he didn't need. Another flick of her wrist and he felt his blood rushing in, answering her call. She drew her lips over his earlobe, a sharp nip at the spot just below, possessive masqueraded as casual - Lila in a nutshell. Lila, who didn't need his protection or his fretting; who was here, alive and feverish beneath him, marking him as hers as she guided him in.

Lila's back arched up as he rocked in, and Kell slid his arm under her, pressing at the small of her back. Hiding his face in the crook of her neck, he nuzzled the warm skin there, gently trailing his tongue across the sensitive arch of her throat. Lila's hand fluttered lightly at his back, a stark contrast to the urgency of earlier that night when she'd rode him to unrestrained oblivion. They didn't quite naturally align - she had a tendency to push, to rush, when he wanted to go slow, to savor - but they always somehow found each other on middle ground. Tonight she was sweet in a way she rarely was, and tomorrow she'd claw at his back, blow him hot and cold, push and pull at him, and they would probably love each other to ruins if they weren't so goddamn _perfect_ for each other.

He curled his hand around her thigh, bent her knee around his hip so he could push deeper in, and Lila bit his shoulder, gasped on a moan that sounded like a curse and a malediction as he felt her tremble, tipping over the edge. She was gnawing at her bottom lip, keeping herself quiet, and he _could_ tease her, draw it out, make her snarl at him - but he didn't. Kell kissed her like he couldn't stop, didn't want to, _ever_ , and it _was_ wishful thinking, believing that as long as he had her like this, close, warm, thrumming, he could keep every danger and dark corner at bay, but it was a shade of magic he had to learn and hold onto from now on.

Lila's head fell back against her pillow, dark strands framing and sticking at her temple with sweat. "I don't know what's gotten into you," she started, chuckling a little as she brushed her thumb across the light frown between his brows, "but being intense and broody is kind of _my_ thing, so, you know, don't steal it."

"That's rich, coming from a thief," Kell clucked his tongue fondly.

Lila pushed at his face with the heel of her hand, rolling her eyes. "You're _already_ really short on thief jokes. Don't push it."

Kell shrugged, then rolled to his side, one leg almost dangling off the narrow cot. His skin was clammy like the balmy sea air, his blood pulsing through his veins. He focused on Lila's, still felt the pulse and the undertow, a blood spell of her own to lull him in, to pull him under.

It would take time, and trials, to get used to the person he'd become; to find out who he was without his magic, without his powers and walls and shields. _But_ there were a couple of things he could count on; small, important things, that wouldn't change, like the certainty that no matter where he went he could always come home to Rhy, or that every day with Lila was another adventure he'd bleed himself over and over again just for the chance to enjoy the ride.

Lila brushed the curls that had fallen over his forehead with a gentle hand. She was a study in contradictions, and Kell wanted to learn the shape and shade of every single one of them. "We'll work it out," she said, firm and absolute. "You're still you, and I'm still me. And that _means_ something."

Her eyes locked on his, daring him to defy her. He held her gaze for a moment, pondering the certainty of yesterday, the mystery of tomorrow; this new beginning.

And then, slowly, he nodded. "Yes, _Captain_."

 

* * *

 

_the end_

 

 

 

 


End file.
